sunday 18th december

i just realised im always incredibly deep on a sunday. i also realised i write when im depressed.

im anxious over nothing. killing time for nothing. introverting when im at home for nothing. i have a list as long as my arm with things i wanna do, but i just lack the time or resources to do them. how hard is it to see the stars.

i like the ability to surround myself with things of meaning and worth. i want the company of my friends and i wanna experience things i enjoy and pleasure. i just feel stuck. torn between wants and needs. in my head i feel ill. in my heart i feel heartbroken. in my stomach i feel hungry yet anxious and so i lack hunger. i wanna get my weight up. i wanna be happy. i want to cry. i wish i could.

i really like the site. ill have 4 or 5 interviews published by the end of 2016. i need female company and alcohol and food and sleep. these are the easiest things to come across as a teenager, so why am i so unwell in my time of need.

i almost went back to people that betrayed me, moments of weaknesses and naivety creeping into my ever changing mindset and motivation. the devil likes to dance.

i have a lot of goals for 2017:

drive

females

pursue accounting hard af

have 20 interviews completed

make a couple grand, hopefully some on my art

make some music/host an event in the summer

treat my body better

find a girl that really fucks with me

find a guy that really rides for me

find a motive that turns the tides for me

this isnt festive. i dont feel festive. im no scrooge, im just drowning in college and the pressures of a man made reality.

i had a chat the other night that was way too deep, way too deep cutting.

pressure makes diamonds. i am okay.