17th October 2016

im really going through something. i dont know what. im trying to weather the storm. i feel like im scaring my friends when i explain whats inside my mind and the last thing i want to do is lose those that are looking out for me. i cant focus on anything, i cant eat or sleep right. my mind is torn between reality and a fake world, or a world which is yet to exist. the harder i try the more im told to try harder. my teachers hate me. they dont see behind closed doors. im losing interest in everything i do, i dont even wanna drink, i havent exercised in months, i closed the website to rebuild it. i just wanna zone out. i just wanna escape. from myself. but how can i with college and work and no car. i wanna empty my mind and pour it all over the floor like i just knocked my coke can. my mind feels all balled up; it is a muscle after all. i pray for a release. but i just feel chained, truly enslaved to my fate. i fear my plans will never be achieved. and ill never get the job and the career and the crib and the whip. i just want happiness. i just want love. all girls i love betray me. i hate it. people hate my vision, and my clothes, turn up in the party in my shitty clothes. turn up to college lookin like i have a dress on. 

im just going through some things. but like i said, ill weather the storm. but dont bother trying to find the ruins if i fail to resurface.